


You turn me into somebody loved

by jannika



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Star Wars Episode V: Empire Strikes Back, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-24 23:48:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6171619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jannika/pseuds/jannika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Anger, she’ll decide, is easier. It’s a place to put all the terrible feelings swirling inside her, a place to channel them. Everyone expects it. Everyone allows her anger, knows she has that right.</i>
</p>
<p>A small canon Leia character study, set during the events of New Hope and Empire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You turn me into somebody loved

She’d never been planning romance for herself. She’d never wanted it, never seen the appeal. A political marriage, perhaps, perfunctory and practical and simple. A stranger she’d tolerate, maybe grow to respect. She’s never had time for daydreams of a more that lives in stories and on holoscreens. A more that is about love and touch and affection and a million other things a princess with aspirations to save the galaxy has never let herself consider.

And then Alderaan is gone in an instant.

And then there’s a boy with soft eyes and his heart on his sleeve, and a presence that is so familiar, so comforting, that her cells feel it. Like somehow, she already knows him.

And then there’s another boy she doesn’t know or understand at all, but he’s got a weapon pointed in the correct direction, and the first boy, the one she already trusts? That one trusts this one.

And they’re rescuing her, and she’ll kiss one, and she’ll hug the other, and the second one will put gentle hands all over as they escape the walls chasing them - and she won’t mind.

And there will be no time to grieve, in plans executed and battles being carried out, so she’ll throw herself into it.

Anger, she’ll decide, is easier. It’s a place to put all the terrible feelings swirling inside her, a place to channel them. Everyone expects it. Everyone allows her anger, knows she has that right.

It’s only them - Luke, who still reminds her of the home she’s lost, and Han, who is warm on Hoth’s coldest days - who see anything else, even in flashes. She’ll stare into space, she’ll pace her quarters, she’ll laugh, she’ll hide her face. and they’ll both pretend they don’t see her cry, don’t notice.

And - Han. Han will touch her still, all the time, so many little touches and grins. And he’ll flirt outrageously, and he’ll sit with her for days planning a revolution or talking about their favorite spots in the galaxy.

But sometimes he’ll be so close, she’ll let him get so close, that she has to shut him away, that she has to throw her anger and defenses up. So he’ll shrink back.

He’ll call her _princess_ and _your worship_ , and Luke will shake his head and hold her hand, and they’ll both grumble about hotshot pilots and Leia will feel so understood.

And then Han will save the day, and they’ll save each other over and over again: a shot here, a punch there, a perfectly timed attack there.

And she’ll be so grateful.

And the Rebellion will gain some ground, will have some plans, so she’ll think, _it’s good_. She’ll think Alderaan may be gone, but she’s brought these two to this base, so that’s helping.

But then Han will say he’s leaving, will tell her in front of people who she is _angry_ around. Will tell her it in a space where she _has_ to stay angry so she doesn’t break, isn’t weak. So she’ll follow him out of it, and he’ll yell and she’ll yell, and he’ll say: _you followed me_ and _your feelings for me_ , and she’ll think about political marriages and the Rebellion and the ashes of her homeworld spread throughout the galaxy. Like dust that never mattered, that was hardly even there.

And she’ll let him walk away.

And she’ll tell herself she’s angry, not heartbroken, about it.

She’ll tell herself she was _right_ , that it’s the Rebellion that matters, that that is what’s most important.

But then Luke will freeze in the snow and Han will defy the whole base to save him, and she’ll want to save them both. She’ll want them both to just stay, to not leave her alone in this place. She’ll only have anger left if they leave.

So then she’s on Han’s ship, and they’re flying to, oh, she doesn’t even know where. They’re flying, and there are battle scars on the ship and in her mind. Han will take chances, take risks, and Han will save them.

And she’ll fall into Han’s arms - but she’ll push herself out of them with what she says, what she tells herself, again, is anger. But he’ll wink at her and they’ll make implications about _excitement_ \- which is like romance, is like passion. It’s like love, so she’ll try to shove it away.

(She can’t quite, with the way her body and brain react, a speeding of her heart and a flush on her skin.)

And she still won’t know where Luke is going.

And she’ll stand in a bay trying to fix a part, and Han will flirt again, so this time when he calls her _your worship_ she’ll say, please stop calling me that and of course he’ll -

He’ll say, _sure, Leia_. Like all she ever had to do was ask, like it was always her move.

Like she always had control that she didn’t realize, a ball she hadn’t seen that was always in her court.

This is the part like a story on a screen, but there is no wind or music: she’ll still feel like herself.

And her hands will be dirty and and he’ll be so close, and calling her _Leia_ but himself a _scoundrel_ , still, and she’ll want him so much she’ll shake with it, she’ll want to come out of her skin with want for this man with his warmth and gentle hands and the way he’s always been there -

They’ll kiss.

It won’t be like a story at all.

But she’ll feel a clench in her heart and she’ll want more, and she’ll pull at him, and she’ll _want_ again, and she’ll feel like _maybe_ -

And she’ll let herself see him, and she’ll let herself look at him, let herself feel his hands and slide into the ease of talking with him. They’ll fly away again, to a man who is not a system, and they’ll kiss whenever they get a chance, and she’ll -

She’s not angry, when they kiss, when he takes her hand, when they talk.

And she’ll think, she never wanted this, but how she wants him, oh, how she wants Han -

Then?

_They’ll take him_.

They’ll pull him from her arms, led by the man in that mask who has already taken everything from her. He took her whole world once, but apparently, he still wants more. Apparently he wants things she didn’t know were hers to give.

He takes them anyway.

Han is pulled from her arms and she feels like she’s choking on the loss of him, like she’s drowning with it, and all her angry feelings flare and she wants to light the whole place on fire with the heat searing through her now -

And she’ll open her mouth to yell, fight, do anything -

But she’ll look at Han’s face and won’t be able to.

She’ll think about talks and touches and balls in her court and romantic love, and she won’t want to say anything to anyone else. No one is worth talking to right now, no one even _deserves_ her anger. So she says, to the person who needs to hear it, the secret she’s been hiding inside herself - from herself - for longer than she even knows:

_I love you_.

And she’ll mean it more than anything else she’s ever said, and she’ll think maybe it’s been sitting in her heart for so long, under all that anger and the weight of planets. She’ll think, he should have heard it long before now.

And he’ll smile at her and say, _I know_ , softly and just for her in this crowded room, and she’ll be glad he does.

(They’ll take him, and the man who is no system, just a pawn inside a trap, will say: Han is gone, but he’s alive. Leia will crack in places she didn’t even know were solid.

She’s loved a planet and it’s gone, and she’s loved a boy and he’s frozen and untouchable, which might as well mean gone, too. And anger and distance and politics are easier, but the pain she feels sizzling across her is real, and it’s _hers_. So she stands in a room and she grieves the things she’s lost and burrows into a friend who loves Han too -

And then, Luke shows up, still so bright and such a comfort, and then the man forced to betray a friend - Lando - turns around to their side.

And maybe it’s not all lost. Maybe it’s doesn’t have to mean gone. Maybe, they’ve still got a chance.)


End file.
